The Mac is back! Big Mac, Mark McGwire is back with the Cardinals to be their hitting coach. McGwire has always been a fan favorite in St. Louis, but it’s almost a written fact that he took steroids throughout most of his career. If I had to guess, I think this is what McGwire’s Five-Step Approach To Hitting would probably look like:
Rule #1: It’s all about the beard
In order to become a great hitter, you need to have a perfectly manscaped, red goatee. If you don’t have red hair, dye it. Can’t grow it? Glue on a fake one. This is a crucial step.
Rule #2: Bromance
Find yourself a star player from a rival team, make sure he speaks broken english and is of another race, and become best buds with him. Also, make sure he follows rule #3-5 on this list (see next).
Rule #3: If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying
If you want to be a real professional in this league, a big time slugger, make sure you cheat. No matter how good your swing is, no matter how talented you think you are, no matter how much you have to lose, make sure you juice up. This is important, just look around at all the other stars, they’re all doing it!
Rule #4: Deny till you die
It’s quite obvious that the MLB and the Federal Government are eventually going to have a merger of some kind eventually, as they have been working together for years now. If you want to hit the ball, you have to lie to the federal government under oath when they ask you about rule #3. Always. Telling the truth is just forbidden when you get caught doing something you’re not supposed to in the MLB. Make sure you don’t use a finger point either, Rafael Palmeiro already used that one.
Rule #5: Practice your alibi
This is the final step so pay attention. Denying is the first part, but having a nice statement prepared is essential and you’ll see why. I already admitted to using Andro and Bonds said he unknowingly used “the cream” and “the clear”, so those are out of the question. Practice what you’re going to say in the mirror a few times if you need to, because you definitely don’t want to do what I did in the video below. Man, did I look stupid or what?
I guess only time will tell if these will in fact be the lessons learned by Cardinal players now that Big Mac is the coach. We will have to wait and see if Albert Pujols steps into the batters box on the first game of the season with a red goatee and thighs bigger than the pitchers body. Until then, all we can do is speculate.