The Mac is back! Big Mac, Mark McGwire is back with the Cardinals to be their hitting coach. McGwire has always been a fan favorite in St. Louis, but it’s almost a written fact that he took steroids throughout most of his career. If I had to guess, I think this is what McGwire’s Five-Step Approach To Hitting would probably look like:
Rule #1: It’s all about the beard
In order to become a great hitter, you need to have a perfectly manscaped, red goatee. If you don’t have red hair, dye it. Can’t grow it? Glue on a fake one. This is a crucial step.
Rule #2: Bromance
Find yourself a star player from a rival team, make sure he speaks broken english and is of another race, and become best buds with him. Also, make sure he follows rule #3-5 on this list (see next).
Rule #3: If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying
If you want to be a real professional in this league, a big time slugger, make sure you cheat. No matter how good your swing is, no matter how talented you think you are, no matter how much you have to lose, make sure you juice up. This is important, just look around at all the other stars, they’re all doing it!
Rule #4: Deny till you die
It’s quite obvious that the MLB and the Federal Government are eventually going to have a merger of some kind eventually, as they have been working together for years now. If you want to hit the ball, you have to lie to the federal government under oath when they ask you about rule #3. Always. Telling the truth is just forbidden when you get caught doing something you’re not supposed to in the MLB. Make sure you don’t use a finger point either, Rafael Palmeiro already used that one.
Rule #5: Practice your alibi
This is the final step so pay attention. Denying is the first part, but having a nice statement prepared is essential and you’ll see why. I already admitted to using Andro and Bonds said he unknowingly used “the cream” and “the clear”, so those are out of the question. Practice what you’re going to say in the mirror a few times if you need to, because you definitely don’t want to do what I did in the video below. Man, did I look stupid or what?
I guess only time will tell if these will in fact be the lessons learned by Cardinal players now that Big Mac is the coach. We will have to wait and see if Albert Pujols steps into the batters box on the first game of the season with a red goatee and thighs bigger than the pitchers body. Until then, all we can do is speculate.
I think Pujols could pull off the fire crotch beard, no?
Great post Hren! And yea the whole team should die their beards red, I mean it matches their colors…
“make sure you cheat”
They didn’t cheat though. Yes they took steroids, but back then when he was taking them (and Sosa, and Bonds) it wasn’t illegeal in baseball. So technically they did not cheat.
Great post though haha
Don’t forget the roll on skin tight pants to show of the legs, that is crucial.
I like the article, but, let me clear something up. I don’t think McGwire used roids to get better at the game of baseball. I think it was so “normal” in those days to take steroids that he didn’t really think he was doing anything wrong. Look at his numbers 1987-1992, before he got hurt and probably started taking roids to “heal”. 1987: 49 HR’s 118 rbi’s. 49 hr’s from a guy who probably weighed 180 lbs! 1988: 32 hr’s, 99 rbi’s. 1989: 33 and 95. 1990: 39 and 108. 1991: 22 and 75. 1992: 42 and 104. All I’m saying is, he didn’t NEED roids to make him a great hitter, and he will probably be a great hitting coach. Which sucks because I’m a Cubs fan!!!!
As for Eric’s comment, yes roids have always been illegal. Its the supplements that are borderline. Larry I agree that he has all the talent in the world, but, if steroids are illegal and then you use them, that’s wrong and cheating. Whether it was to get healthy or get better. And if it was normal in those days, fine.. its somewhat understandable to a point. But what about lying to the federal government about ever taking them at all.. was he doing that to get healthy, too?
i thought steroids were illegal in general but there was no rule against them in mlb?
I’m not here to talk about the past.
I love the line in Rule #4 “that MLB and the government will merge” thats great.
And why exactly is the government even involved in a the business of baseball? It is all about the goat!
Seriously? This blog is just plain stupid and will never succeed. What a waste of time. Justin Hren is an idiot.
Roger I thought you were dead! Man, this is an honor to have you comment on the article. I just wish you had a sense of humor!
McGwire didn’t use an alibi, lie or deny anything, and using his picture side by side with someone who did is really misleading.
Palmiro testifed before Congress, he pointed his finger at them, that he was clean and about two months later he failed a drug test
McGwire was ridiculed for his ‘I’m not here to talk about the past’ comment, but what he was doing in essence was invoking his rights under the 5th amendment not to incriminate himself. He didn’t admit anything, but he didn’t lie about anything either. I suppose that’s something.
ygbluig – I agree to a point. I mean, as dumb as McGwire looked, he was smart to do what he did. He knew that in order to not admit what he had done, but yet still not lie with the chance to go to prison, he had to look like a moron and just disregard every question asked to him about his past use of steroids.
As for this Maris guy.. Look, I write in this blog for fun, therefore there is no way this could be considered a waste of time. You however, coming on here and posting that classless comment, now that was a waste of time. The only thing it did was make you like a male organ.
Nobody polarizes the sports community like McGwire. Is it enough that his record will have an asterisk next to it, and that he will likely never be inducted into the hall of fame? I think he deserves to be a hitting coach. To see other opinions in the mainstream media, check out this video by Newsy.com: http://bit.ly/Al8zE
Great Post Justin…. Roids are great for everyone, I take them! They make u bigger and stronger and gives u great stamina!! The Wife Loves Them Too! But for baseball that’s another story.
sweet
The Cardinals really need to show LaRussa to the door. He presided over the steroid era in Oakland, then brought his game to St. Louis. Albert Pujols should not be associated with this liar. “I didn’t know until today,” LaRussa said. LaRussa’s a liar.